


I don’t love you (ok, maybe a little)

by Twykad



Series: 7 days of shadowships [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, idk how to tag with that so there we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:31:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9112828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twykad/pseuds/Twykad
Summary: 7 days of shadowships - day 1- SaphaelNot being able to sleep, Simon ponders on his relationship with Raphael





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [I don’t love you (ok, maybe a little)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14001642) by [vogeld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogeld/pseuds/vogeld)



> Thank you @ava_quinncurtis for beta-ing me <3

Even though Simon knows Raphael has some… Difficulties expressing his feelings, he would appreciate him to tell him that he loves him or to at least say it back. It's not that he doesn't know about the other boy’s love for him or that he has doubt, he just…. wants to hear him say it,  more than that, he  _ needs _ it. Just to make their relationship more real, not that it isn't….Right? 

Simon sighs and moves a bit in the bed they share and he can't help a smile as Raphael snuggle against him, he can't believe that a man like him, who’s mostly jaded, can be so cuddly in private… Well, mainly at night, when he is sleeping. It still amazes Simon how he made himself a way to his boyfriend’s heart, the guy had been totally cold with him at first, Simon had even thought they would never get to be friends, he who had imagined having a roommate would be the occasion to make male friends and whom had already dreamt of all the conversations and video games nights…. But in the end, what he has is much better ; he’s found  _ love _ . 

Dating Raphael isn't like dating anyone else. Really, it isn't. First, Raphael doesn't like PDA, second, most of the time he’s salty and jaded, and last but not least, sex is out of the question. It had taken a lot of time to prove to Raphael that he’s okay with it, that he loves him anyway and still wants to be with him.

But sometimes, Simon feels like he gives more than he receives. It's always a challenge to convince his boyfriend to go out on a date, only little to none sweet words come out of Raphael’s mouth  and sometimes, though Simon chooses it, celibacy is still hard. He will  _ never  _ force Raphael, he is quite okay with giving up on sex life but he really needs to feel loved as a  _ counterpart _ . 

Feeling that he could not get any more sleep, he untangles himself from Raphael and gets up. He doesn't need to peek behind the curtains to know that the sun hasn't started to rise yet, which means it's either the middle of the night or very early in the morning, probably around 5am, if Simon had to guess. He sighs again and decides to make himself some coffee and probably work a bit on his essay ;  it’s not like he has anything better to do. 

He must be halfway through his third… or fifth coffee when he hears Raphael  coming behind him.

 

“What are you doing up at this unholy hour?” Raphael says, obviously grumpy.

“Well hello to you too.” Simon answers, his voice colder than intended.

 

He turns around only to see his boyfriend leaning against the wall, arching a brow.

 

“I couldn't sleep anymore so I decided to work on my essay.”

“Yeah because accounting is much better than trying to get back to sleep.” Raphael deadpans rolling his eyes.

“I couldn't sleep anymore Raphael, what don't you understand in that sentence?!”

 

Simon is pissed. Thoughts had been running through his head the whole morning, he is now tired and angry. He shakes his head and turns back to his work. 

 

“What i s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Simon mutters.

“Are you okay?”

“Do you care?”

 

The silence that follows is long and heavy. Simon just wants Raphael to show that he cares for him. He wishes he would have asked if he was okay before saying anything. And then he realises, he has never actually talked about the problem in their relationship, by avoiding fights and arguments he has always pretend everything was fine; how could have Raphael guessed that some things were hard for Simon if he never told anything? 

It’s not the right time to fight, Simon knows that, but he is sad and tired and angry and he can't bottle this up anymore.

 

“What’s up with you today?””

“Why can't you just pretend that you care?!” Simon blows up facing Raphael again.

“Sim-”

“Sometimes I can't tell if you even love me! You never say it back! Do you hold up so much pride that you can't even say that to me or are you just too emotionally constipated ?!”

 

Raphael’s eyes go wide, he opens his mouth but no sounds are released. He looks so shocked Simon almost feels guilty for snapping. But now he just hopes, hopes for his boyfriend to react, to say something, anything. But he doesn't. He just stays silent. Eventually Simon just gives up and stands up.

 

“I can forget about sex, but I still need to feel that you love me. What is the point of you don't?” He asks sadly, passing by Raphael.

 

He just wants to get dressed and leave for the rest of the day, maybe for the night too,maybe he’d be spending the night at Clary and Izzy’s, Magnus and Alec wouldn't let him and Jace probably hates him. But Raphael takes his wrist and pulls him against him.

 

“Idiota, if I don't love you why am I with you? If I don't care why am I putting up with you?”

“I just want you to say it sometimes, not all the time, I know it's hard for you, but…  _ Sometimes _ .”

“I'm sorry. I love you and I care for you… Now let's go back in bed so I can take you on a date tonight.”

 

Simon snorts. Somehow, he finds it hard to believe, it just looks like a way to calm him down, nothing more. He tugs his wrist back.

 

“What do you think Raphael? That you can just say things like that, make me forget that I’m mad at you? You’re not sorry, you’re just trying to hold me back.” He scoffs. “Come back to me when you’re being sincere, until then, I don’t see the point in us being together.”

 

Simon gets dressed as fast as he can and throws some changes into a bag, Raphael following every movement he does silently. Somehow, he still wishes Raphael will try to hold him back again. He doesn’t want to leave him because he loves him so much and it’s so damn frustrating. He stops near the front door and squeezes his eyes shut, fighting back the stupid tears, because he can feel his heart start to break and it’s so painful he can barely breathe.

 

_ Please, hold me back again, keep me close, don’t let me go. _

 

__ “Goodbye, Raphael.” He says, and his voice breaks too.

 

He goes to open the door, as slowly as possible, to give his boyfriend - or ex-boyfriend ?- one last chance. 

 

One step outside.

 

_ Please, please do it. _

 

__ Two steps.

 

One tear runs down his cheek. 

 

Three steps.

 

Raphael pulls him back inside.

Simon suddenly finds himself into a strong embrace, a hand, Raphael’s hand is running through his hair. It’s warm, tender, and he can feel the love. _ Finally _ . 

 

“Don’t go.” Raphael murmurs. “I’m an asshole, and I’m sorry, I truly am. I just don’t have any idea what to do with love now that I have it, I never thought it would happen, I never meant to hurt you, Simon. When I’m worried or scared, I just… I’m becoming stupid because I hate those emotions.” He cups Simon’s cheeks with his hands. “But I  _ do _ love you. And I  _ do _ care for you. I just don’t know what to do with all of this but I just can’t let you leave.” Pause.  “I  _ need  _ you.” He breathes

 

They face each other for a while before Simon finally lets the words sink in and his face breaks into a shy smile to which Raphael answers. Simon leans for a kiss but stops halfway.

 

“We’ll figure it out, together, as long as we communicate.” He says.

“I’ll try.”

  
He smiles again and closes the space between their lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos (and comments) are appreciated <3


End file.
